A doctor tells his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much money, and you’re a lousy lover!”
Two weeks later, he comes home to find her making out with his partner.
“What’s going on here?!” he demands.
“Just getting a second opinion,” she replies.
—Submitted by Deborah Axelrod, MD, New York University Perlmutter Cancer Center
“Did you hear what happened to Mel?” one friend said to another. “He was seeing his doctor for six months because of chest pains and shortness of breath. Last week, he dropped dead from cancer.”
“That’s terrible,” says the other friend. “Well, I told him a hundred times to go see my doctor.”
“Is he any good?”
“Good? He’s the best! If he treats you for heart problems … you’ll die of heart problems.” Submitted by Steven Lamm, MD, NYU Langone Medical Center
Mr. Harper sued a hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesperson replied, “Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.” Submitted by Amar Safdar, MD, NYU Langone Medical Center
Medical Transcription Errors
To paraphrase Mark Twain: Be careful of medical transcripts; you may die of a misprint.
Social history reveals this one-year-old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.
On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared.
Discharge status: alive but without permission.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down.
Overheard at the Nurses’ Station
A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
Patient: I’m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful. Source: notalwaysright.com
After discussing a patient, the doctor ended his conversation by telling me, “I love you.” Following an awkward pause, he said, “I’m sorry, you were telling me what to do, so it made me think I was speaking with my wife.” Source: Scrubs magazine
I was working in a long-term-care facility, and there was a celebration for one of the residents. It was her 100th birthday. She was quite somnolent as the party began, so I asked her, “Do you know how old you are today?”
“No, how old am I?”
“You’re 100 years old.”
“Well, no wonder I’m so tired.” Source: healthdegrees.com
Scene: I answer a patient’s phone call …
Me: Dermatology, how may I help you?
Patient: Hi, I just had an autopsy. I’d like to know my results. Source: notalwaysright.com
A car belonging to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out, that’s where she was keeping her urine sample, which she’d brought in to be tested. Janet Grow, Overland Park, Kansas
I asked a young mother in our neonatal unit why she thought we had so many expectant mothers from her small town. She said, “Well, we don’t have cable.” Source: Scrubs magazine
The doctor explained to his patient that she suffered from cervicitis, or inflammation of the cervix. Concerned, she demanded that he test her husband for it too.
The doctor assured her, “I’m positive your husband does not have cervicitis.”
She shot back, “How do you know? You haven’t examined him yet.” Roianne Lope, Pine Hill, New Jersey
Trials and Fibrillations
• Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Doctor: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Lawyer: And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time?
• Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
• Lawyer: Now, Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning? Source: rinkworks.com
Humor: Top 10 Facebook Jokes
Facebook isn’t only a long range interpersonal communication site any longer. It has turned into a social wonder. In any critical ways, our lives are reliant on or fragmented without Facebook. Envision being not able to offer your birthday photos with your companions over the world. Or on the other hand not having the capacity to know the most recent that is occurring in the local area.
The virtual universe of Facebook with notices, photographs, posts and jabs has more genuine to us than our whole lives That is the reason, similar to some other consuming social wonder; there are a few jokes on Facebook also. We have assembled a gathering of the most ingenious jokes about Facebook here.
Facebook Joke 1:
Facebook is like a jail. You have mugshot profile picture.
You spend all your time writing on walls. And some totally undesirable people poke you around unnecessarily.
Facebook Joke 2:
A grandmother left her farm, barn, horses, chickens, pigs and $1million cash to her granddaughter. The granddaughter was overwhelmed and said “Granny, I never knew you had so many assets.
Where are they?” The grandmother’s last word on her death-bed was ‘Facebook’.
Facebook Joke 3:
Teacher asks student, “What do you call a place where people talk to themselves, write on walls, cook imaginary food in fictional cafes, grow crops that do not exist and count make-believe money?”
Student answers, ‘Mental hospital.’
Teacher growls, ‘ No you idiot. Facebook.’
Facebook Joke 4:
If Facebook is a fridge then we keep opening it every few seconds to see if there is anything interesting in it!
Facebook Joke 5:
When do you officially become a Facebook stalker?
When you notice that someone’s Facebook profile picture changes and you are not even their friend!
Facebook Joke 6:
What is the new face of communalism?
Facebook groups! People are so freaking aggressive about it!
Facebook Joke 7:
Why do Facebook users have lower grades than non-Facebook users?
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This is because you do not need to use your brains to be on Facebook.
Facebook Joke 8:
The Facebook status of a girl committing suicide; ‘My Twitter account can remarry now…’
Facebook Joke 9:
What does a man tell God after he just dies?
Please let me go back. I forgot to tell my to wife to change her relationship status!
Facebook Joke 10:
Where will you find a man with too many debts? On Facebook trying to earn some cash in Mafia Wars!
For more such jokes, subscribe to The Humor Column today!
Humor: Top 5 Funny Jokes Ever
If you love humor, this is the one for you. Here’s a collection of top 5 funniest jokes of all time!
Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald’s or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
I believe i can falllll I tripped on a bouncey ballll
Thought id post this funny jokes. Even though i got no votes.
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *walks away*
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
“Hi, how are you?”
Me: (embarrassed) “Doin’ fine!”
Stall: “So what are you up to?”
Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”
Stall: “Can I come over?”
Me: (attitude) “No, I’m a little busy right now!!”
Stall: “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Disclaimer: All images are sourced from the web. No copyright infringement intended.
Top 5 Hilarious Jokes on Batman
For what reason do we like making Batman jokes? Is it because – regardless of the character being something made for kids – there’s unavoidable obscurity that exemplifies the style, as well as figured out how to spread out through whatever is left of the ordinance?
To such an extent that even the animated arrangement feels darker than consistent youngsters’ modifying? Or on the other hand is it because the idea of a developed man and his more youthful companion circling in tights offers to us in an adolescent and guileless way? Or then again perhaps it’s simply straightforward to make bat-based plays on words. Whatever the reason, we’ve assembled a rundown of our most loved jokes and plays on words in light of our most loved caped crusader. What’s more, indeed, these are the Batman jokes that you merit, and need.
What Happens When Batman Sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
What Do You Call It When Batman Skips Church?
When Is Joker Not Plotting A Murder?
When he’s riding his Harley!
What’s The Difference Between Batman & A Robber
Batman can go into a store without Robin!
Batman & Robin Go Camping In The Desert:After setting up their tent and falling asleep, Batman wakes his faithful friend. “Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Robin replies, “ I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute.
“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?”
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:
“Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”
Did this crack you up well? For more such rib ticklers, subscribe to The Humor Column today!
Source: The Ranker
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